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February 23rd, 2019


Shit X.Ray Burns has said

In lieu of finishing up the previous entry, I'm just gonna hit you with some X.Ray Burns quotations. I've copied these down over the last couple of years while listening to the show.


“I could have had it all, Jones.”

"Can we make out later? ... After I'm finished with this glazed doughnut?"

"The men's room floor art ... You have to bend over until the light is just right, and you'll see what I'm talking about."

“I’m not afraid of terrorists, but I am afraid of spacemen.”

"I love a diablo sandwich, and I don't even know what it is."

JONES: What's it like to be happy?
X.RAY: It's fleeting, Jones.

"I haven't had many good brushes with death."

"Painkillers are actually not so much fun when you use them for pain."

"I'm looking at this girl, who I would like to have as my own, but she's got Billy Joel all over her ... Cigarette breath, bourbon."

"I've got you under my sink."

X.Ray as a cop: "I'd tase you for being a jerk off."

JONES: Did you ever have an imaginary friend?
X.RAY: No. I would rather have an imaginary enemy. Gives me something to focus on.

"My next investment is a pressure cooker ... you can cook a chicken in eight minutes. If you don't like it, you can always turn it into a bomb."

"Ain't nothing easy about listening to REO Speedwagon."

"I don't mind a good cliché, just not 40 times a minute."

"I'm not eatin' Cap'n Crunch with those freakin' Crunch Berries."

"I'm an old, burned-out husk of what I once was."

"You got a bald spot? Get a spray can full of hair."

JONES: How do you judge a man's life?
X.RAY: By the stains he left on his chair.

"I knew Bill Kelly was here because I opened the door and I heard a sound like rustling leaves."

"Guys like you and me, we're not fit to reproduce."

JONES: My dad saw Little Richard in a truck stop.
X.RAY: In the men's room or performing?

JONES: I was looking for the Skynyrd documentary.
X.RAY: What's that Called, "Most of Us are Dead"?

"At this point I'm kind of relishing the rapid acceleration towards death. But when you're young and ya gotta lot of humpin' and drinkin' and stuff to do, you want things to last longer."

"What do you keep [in your locker], soiled laundry and broken dreams?"

"You can feel your pancreas shutting down ... but other than that, they're delicious."

“Alexa, send Jonesy money for heroin.”

JONES: [on shortwave] You would have no listeners.
X.RAY: People listen to this.

"... next thing you know, I'm in bed with the cable guy, watching ESPN."

"I was trippin' balls in Reykjavik ... and I met Walter Mondale.

"You should probably go and see the authorities if your parents are in the IBJ."

"...Shaving Ryan's privates."

"... Snow White and the Seven Deadly Sins."

"The best thing about the Passaic fish is that they start to cook as soon as they hit the air."

"I'm the dark cloud. OK, sunshine?"

"It tastes like a big sugary pizza donut."

"I live well, with the exception of my health."

"Several people have come down to kill me over the years, but I won them over with my charisma and my charm."

September 2019



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